Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

“Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood” is one of the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey.

I was reminded by it by a story an elementary teacher told me. She had had a difficult day at school and was pouring her heart out to me. Since I’m a professional coach and I know she hates it when (she notices) I coach her, so I made the promise to her to only listen and ask a question now and then to understand.

She started her story.

*Ring ring*
The bell goes off and all children are guided to their class room. It was a cold day and all children hang their coats on the pegs in the hallway. Next, they all enter the class. Except for three.
Three kids were standing in the hallway, looking at the window.
Teacher: “Please come inside.”
The kids are not reacting and keep staring out of the window.
Teacher: “John, Jane, Smith, please come inside now. We’re starting with calculus.”
No reaction.
Teacher: “That’s it! All three of you, come along to the teachers room”.
In the teachers room the students get a penalty and are not allowed to participate the next hour in art class.

Me: “So, you were angry because of the students not following your directions?”
Teacher: “Yes, I was.”
Me: “Why is it that big of a deal?”
Teacher: “They have to come in the class. I want to keep order and don’t lose time for teaching.”
Me: “I understand that you feel this is important. Is it the first time that this happens?”
Teacher: “No, they do it all week and they know as the problem stokers in class. Let me tell you what happened later that week.”

*Ring ring*
Two days later the same story unravels.
Our three problem stokers are looking at the window again when the rest of the kids are entering their class room.
This time, Jane says: “He look at that: they moved the big world map to the other side of the hallway.”
…

Me: “Wait. What does the world map has to do with this?”
Teacher: “They were watching at the map all the time, instead of entering the class room in time.”
Me: “But why are they so interested in this world map?”
Teacher: “I don’t know and I don’t care: I just want to start calculus.”
Me: “I understand that starting calculus in time is important to you. On the other hand, it looks to me that they were genuinely interested in the world map. Could it be an opportunity to give a demo in class?”
Teacher: “I never thought of that. It could be interesting for the rest too”.
Me: “It could be added value for the rest of the class, but also for the relationship you have with our three little problem stokers. As you show interest in their interests”.
Teacher: “Great idea, I will give it a try next week.”

Reflection

When I heard the first version of the story, it was easier to me to give advice.

Have you tried this?
Why don’t you try this?
What are other options?
Is punishment necessary?
…

But in this way I would have started coaching without understanding the problem completely. We would have dived into finding solutions, instead of getting the problem right at first.

When I explicitly promised to step out of my role of coach in this case, I was not focused on asking the right questions, I was not focused in thinking along with the coachee and I was not focused to find solutions for her case (and guide her to it).

My only focus was to listen and try to understand. This made it possible to really empathize with here and make a connection.

Double lesson

I’m not sure if you noticed, but there was a lesson here for the teacher too. The same fifth principles of Steven Covey, Seek First to Understand Then to be Understood, is valid for the teacher too as she could have responded in another, more successful way to the situation.

Empathic listening

The theory (see Additional Reading) describes are four levels to true empathic listening:

1. Repeat what the other person is saying.
2. Rephrase the content.
3. Reflect the feelings and emotions.
4. Rephrase the content and reflect the feelings.

With using these steps you can build report with your coachee and establish a connection.

In the story above I didn’t use the four levels in a strict way, but I tried to rephrase and confirm emotions when appropriate.

Additional reading

The Fifth Habit in 20 slides –

http://www2.waterforduhs.k12.wi.us/staffweb/Kohn/Leadership/Habit%25205%2520Seek%2520First%2520to%2520Understand.pptx

The Fith Habit by Steven Covey – https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits-habit5.php

Dealing with a customer complaint

During a training I gave, I was suddenly interrupted by a participant with a rather harsh remark:

“What is this all about? I thought we were here for X, but all I can find in the slides is Y! I expected to learn about X”

I was actually startled. A lean as we try to work, we did a Voice Of the Customer (VOC) survey in advance to check which topics they wanted to discuss. We didn’t receive much response, but with the answers received we composed a slide set which was suited for purpose.

The remark triggered me to react rather defensive:

“The main topics and objects were spread way in advance and you could decide for yourself to participate or not. Further, we did a survey in the week before this training and it was possible to add topics to the agenda. You do are in a training about X, you know.”

The remarks of the participant were taken along in the remainder of the training, but it kept me wondering if it was the best approach to address the issue. I will use the benefit of hindsight to reflect on the issue.

Understand

With the remark of the participant I was driven out of my comfort zone. I felt almost personally charged at in front of the group. I actually was attempting to let the participant understand me instead of trying to understand him. So I broke an important rule:

            Seek first to understand, then to be understood. (Steven Covey, habit #5)

While I was studying on the topic of customer intimacy, it became clear to me: I didn’t put myself in the position of the customer. Even if you do a VOC survey in advance, the customer can still be unsatisfied and express his opinion or complaints.

Power to the customer

A customer complaint is actually a very powerful thing to work with, but it isn’t that easy.

The literature learns us:

• Listen. Seek to understand.
• Put yourself in the position of the customer.
• Don’t defend yourself.
• Reformulate the complaint to check if you’re on the same page.
• Give priority to the customer and his complaint.
• Find a solution together.

This fits the nonviolent communication framework very well. We learn there:

• All human beings share the same needs .
• All actions are attempts to meet needs.
• Feelings point to needs being met or unmet.

If we put it in steps:

1. State the observations that you would like to talk about.
2. State the feeling that the observation is triggering in you. Or, guess what the other person is feeling and ask.
3. State the need that is the cause of that feeling. Or, guess the need that caused the feeling in the other person, and ask.
4. Make a concrete request for action to meet the need just identified.

So if we would apply it to the situation, it could have gone something like this:

Participant: “What is this all about? I thought we were here for X, but all I can find in the slides is Y! I expected to learn about X”

Teacher: “I notice that you’re very interested in X. Do I understand you correct that you expected something else?”

Participant: “Yes, I didn’t come for Y, but for X.”

Teacher: “I feel a little uncomfortable because I really tried to adjust the course to the needs of the groups. Which topics and viewpoints do you want to see discussed in group?”

Participant: “I certainly want to know how to apply X in the context of Y.” 

Teacher: “I agree, it looks interesting to me too to take that angle. Is it OK for you that we continue further and take these topics along and apply them where possible?”

Participant: “OK, thanks.”

 

With this approach we combine handling a customer complaint with the lessons learned from the nonviolent communication framework. We’re not pushing the customer away anymore, but we’re trying to understand his needs and make sure they are met. Further, we just defused a potential harmful situation in front of a full class room.